Category: Trump

January 11, 2021

Upon his release from Federal prison after receiving his pardon from President Trump, Tiger King is scheduled to be the first non-Federal BoP individual to execute a Federal prisoner.

The execution is scheduled for tomorrow, January 12, 2021, in Indiana.

Tiger King has not yet decided on the method he will use.

Of the flurry of Executive Orders issued by Trump on December 5, 2020, one detailed Trumps plan to “open up” Federal executions to non-Federal BoP officers. The execution will be recorded, and is set to air on Trump’s new television show “Tiger King: Justice Served”, on his new entertainment/news channel (subscription required.)

January 10, 2021

Outgoing President Trump has issued a record amount of pardons these past few days in what some consider an attempt to curry favor with as many people as he can after his failed attempt at insurrection. In addition to admitting guilt to a federal crime, acceptance of the pardon will require the pardoned to purchase a one-year subscription to Trump’s soon-to-be-released entertainment/news channel.

One of these pardons was issued to Tiger King.

Tiger King is set to be released tomorrow, January 11, 2021, at noon. He will then be flown to Washington, DC on an all-expenses-paid-by-the-USTaxpayer trip to meet with Trump in the Oval Office, along with Ivanka and Jared, Rudy Giuliani, Lin Wood and Michael Flynn, and others, to discuss a new project tentatively entitled, “Tiger King: Justice Served.” Details of the project have not yet been released.

December 5, 2020

A flurry of Executive Orders were issued late last night as President Trump ate burgers and watched TV in the Oval Office with his friends.

We will update you when the toner in our fax machine is replenished.

December 4, 2020

Giulliani ate his brain today.

Thursday, November 26th, 2020 5:15pm EST

In an impromptu press conference at the White House, from an open window on the second floor of the East Wing, Trump promised to bring peace to our “divided” country. Having formed the “Trump Is America PAC” earlier that day, he has begun fundraising for his bid to win the Presidency again in 2024. “I will make you as free as these beautiful birds”, he yelled as he threw the two turkeys he pardoned earlier this week out the window.. Corn survived, Cob was picked clean by the starving crowd below.

A rally on Christmas Day is scheduled for December 24th in Wilmington, DE, and is expected to draw “hundreds of thousands” of patriots.

You can buy your ticket only on Parler.

December 14, 2020

It’s official. Not sure how he did it, but a couple of states went rogue and, together with the electors already declared as voting for Trump, managed to hand Trump exactly 306 votes at the meeting of the Electoral College today, officially making him the President of the United States for the next 4 years, at least.

Trump is scheduled to speak from the Oval Office shortly.

December 1, 2020

A stolen election was found stuffed into a hamper of despair.

Donald J. Trump arrived shortly after publication of the the initial notice to claim the election, but was unable to describe it with any degree of certainty.

We asked him to leave.

January 21, 2021

After a tense stand-off between the Secret Service and former President Trump in the White House, Trump appears to have set the building on fire. As of this moment, his motives remain unclear. According to officials, the fire began shortly after the negotiating team rejected his first and final demand for a week’s supply of fast food. As far as can be determined, the structure remains intact, but we are told a chair and some of the carpet in the vicinity of the Resolute Desk are charred.

We will provide you with further details in the future.